Father's Day was two weeks ago and it got me to thinking about something. I noticed that this happens every year: After 11 months of virtual invisibility, June becomes national remember dads month. Or rather, the first two to three weeks of June leading up to Father's Day finally gives us dads our due. Then after the fateful day, all of the television news programs and talk shows return to their regular mommy-centered programming. Parenting magazines are stuck with the fact that they only publish one issue per month. So we get the benefit of how ever many days are left in the month after that.
Consider the situation every other month of the year: Parenting magazines are written by and for women. Their advertising is clearly focused on moms. To be sure, their readership is overwhelmingly female, but which came first? The chicken or the egg? Watch The Today Show or any other morning news/entertainment program and who anchors the majority of the parenting segments? Moms, that’s who. Al Roker and Matt Lauer both have kids, but I have yet to see them host a segment on kids and parenting (unless it's June of course). What's more, listen to the way these segments are introduced. They almost always begin with something like: "And next moms we have a segment on what to do when your child...blah...blah...blah…" What the fuck?! Is it that hard to say parents instead? Most of the time, the stories really are about parenting and not just mommy hood. I do watch these segments and sometimes get some good advice. But it irks the shit out of me to be constantly called “mom” by the participants on the show. I want to scream through the TV sometimes, “Hey! What the fuck am I?! Invisible to you?!” And then I remember they can’t see me through my TV, and yes dads are invisible to them. They assume that I changed the channel to ESPN as soon as I heard “And next moms…”
I know the common complaint. “Dads ain't shit!” Okay, it's not always that harsh. It's usually more like: “Dads aren't as involved, Moms still do most of the parenting, he doesn't know how to do their hair, or pick out their clothes, or keep them out of oncoming traffic, yada, yada, yada...” And I'll be the first to agree that far too many dads are less involved than they should be or are MIA altogether. I hear women complaining about the lack of father involvement all the time. From the “He acts like he can’t take care of them when I’m not around” to the “He hasn’t even seen his kids in years and he doesn’t send any money either!” But I thought the idea was to work to change all that? The irony is despite all of women's complaining about wanting dads to be more involved in parenting; they are a big part of continuing the problem. At home, most women say they want their partner’s involvement and then immediately set to criticize them for “not doing it right.” However, I think the bigger problem is those women who have such a large influence over media and popular culture. I’m talking about the aforementioned television programs and parenting magazines. These women (the writers, editors, producers, and television personalities) could make the simple change from addressing their stories from “moms” to “parents.” Have the women on the Today Show ever said “Hey, how about Matt or Al take this one?” Would that really be so hard? Would the advertisers run for the hills? If they did, maybe more of us dads would pay attention to that stuff. Because otherwise, unless you’re a very consciously attuned dad, the unconscious message is received loud and clear: parenting is mommy business! Maybe that’s why I’ve even heard such foolishness as a father who’s stuck caring for his children for the day refer to himself as “baby sitting.” No dude, you’re parenting!
There are plenty of us dads who are taking responsibility for raising our kids (this should go without saying). As a group, modern American dads are more involved in child rearing than any generation before us. There are many of us who try. There are many of us who do more than try, we often succeed. Yet, we are seen as an anomaly. I can’t tell you how many times I got special kudos from strangers when my girls were babies and I took them out alone in public. When I’d get home and tell my wife how some woman commented on how “brave” I was for trying to get a toddler and an infant through a meal at a restaurant alone, she was like “What the fuck is that? I do that all the time and no one ever compliments me!” Maybe we are an anomaly. Maybe that’s why I got all the extra props for “baby sitting” my own babies. I know this somewhat flies in the face of my argument that dads are invisible for 11 months of the year, but does it really? I said we are virtually invisible, and being complimented for doing something you’re supposed to do anyway sort of confirms the freakishness of your existence as an engaged father. I love my girls and I love being involved with every aspect of their lives (except maybe when they discovered their vaginas, but that’s for another post). I know there are others like me. I also know there are far too many who are not. If we’re going to continue changing the perceived role of fathers and shame the dads who aren’t involved, we should be allies in this thing called parenting. Dads shouldn’t be viewed as interlopers on mommy’s territory. So what do you think ladies? Can you try including dads in the conversation the other 11 months of the year? I promise I’ll buy a subscription to Atlanta Parent if you do!
